I'm a mad, bad woman to know.

My bad.

My previous post , I will admit may make me sound like I have violent tendencies. Perhaps even sound like I'm Schizophrenic.

Maybe.

But the truth of the matter is that I simply have an awful awful temper with a very short fuse.
And that's bad - I know it. I used to be terrible when I was younger. So much so that I got into fights very regularly (my 'rents still don't know I used to fight heaps back then).

I remember an incident where I really lost my temper. I think I terrified myself.

I was 15 going on 16. I had a falling out with a friend, M over something completely trivial. I told myself not to get angry, so I held back and tried to calm myself down. All day long, she was silent and ignored me.
Apparently it was my fault, but she wouldn't tell me what I did or said that made her so upset.
She pulled another friend, C. over to her group, when C. must've heard what I'd done, because C. proceeded to give me the evil eye everytime I walked past, or when I wanted to speak with them.
This carried on from 7 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon. I couldn't take it any longer. I'd been simmering from the morning till the afternoon and I'd worked myself up into a fine lather.

C. had to get past my chair in order to get to her table in the classroom. I purposely stuck out my chair at an angle because I knew she'd have to move it to get to her place. (yeah, can you tell I was pretty anal as a teen. SHOW DOWN!) I think I must've been really geared up for a show down (hoe down-haha) because my blood was, literally boiling. I was soooo ready to explode.

And explode I did. When she swiped my chair back to my table, I saw red. (I KNOW what that means now, I DID see red. I swear, there was a red haze over me. I can't explain it, but it's like you CANNOT control yourself, like you're being possessed by your anger, and like you're nothing better than an animal. NO CONTROL.)

I swept my hand with tremendous force against my chair in the direction facing her (yeah I know I'm bad. *hangs head*) and the chair flew like 4 feet to her.
C. lifted up her hand to deflect the blow, and I might add that it was a lucky thing, because she apparently had some kind of injury ( I think she fractured her hand. I think.) afterwards.

I'm really sorry for what I did, and I freaked out afterwards for a looong loooong time. I'm still sorry that I lost my temper so badly, that my wrath could actually physically injure another person.

But I have tried to keep a firm rein on my temper since then. I think I've become a bit of a pushover, but I still do possess that temper. I'm not sure now what's great, because I'm terrified of losing my temper that badly again. I can't afford to lose it - this time I'd be headed for the asylum instead of detention.

I haven't seen C. in a while. After that year, I moved to OZ, and I never saw her again.

But if I do, I will be sure to apologize and buy her coffee.