My dog.

Exhibit A: Bernese @ 3 Months



I said I was going to blog about my dog.
He's muuuch more interesting than I am. He also does way stupider things.

I must remember to put some decent pictures of him up soon.
Anyways, he's a Bernese Mountain Dog, and he's named Bernese.
I know. totally Original, innit? But I had no part in the matter because at that time, I was in OZ and my 'rents, yeah actually, my dad named him. So my dog's name makes him sound like a poofter dog. Hey. It could be worse. They could've named him Precious. Or Feifei or Lucky or any of those really awful dog names.

We got him when he was 3 months old (Refer to Exhibit A above), and he's really become a part of the family. Probably because during his puppy stage, he did perform a fair amount of mischief.

He would bite and rip apart all our shoes, especially targeting my mum's most expensive leather heels, especially the hell-expensive-unknown-italian-brand type. And she was not happy about it.

I remember I came back once from OZ with my new shoes that i got on sale (but still too much for my abject poverty-stricken college allowance) and they were the last pair in the whole of OZ and they were my size. You know the kind of shoes that you spent the last 3 months staring longingly into the shop window and desperately hoping they'd go on sale?
Well after my 3 rd day back in Singapore, I found my new shoes torn into shreds.
Literally, shreds. Obviously I was furious and smacked the shit out of him.

Before any concerned dog lovers start protesting and ranting about dog rights and family violence, kindly remember that we have tried every dog teething apparatus known to man.

Yes, we know.
The hard leather type of toy that you can buy at every shop where the bone is formed out of 2 knots on either side of its length? Tried that. He broke the bloody thing on his first bite when he was 5 months old. And we had bought the biggest size (we'd thought it'd last longer).

But he was a lot of trouble when he was younger. We must've lost like almost 60 pairs of shoes.

Anyways, he's 3 years old now, and he's grown an awful lot. I reckon he's about the size of a miniature shetland pony fully grown. Or maybe a teeny bit smaller.

Still, his size does scare a lot of people, and we've had plenty of visitors to my home turn tail and run from the sight of him because he looks like he could eat them with one gulp.

Far from the truth.
The truth is, my dog's useless at these things.
See, in my family, a dog's job is to protect us. And in return, we give him his meals and shelter and whatsit.
In reality, which is very far from our definition of house dog/pet, we protect him.

This is because he is literally afraid of everything. And I really do mean everything.

Forex, Most dogs abhor birds. Doesn't matter what type, size or shape. the dog that I had before Bernese came along (another story, another time) was the fiercest dog ever, and he was a BIRDKILLER - as in he actually killed birds.
But the point is that Bernese will actually go as far as to share his food with the birds. As in, he's eating, and the birds perch on his cage and start chirping and he'd voluntarily move aside for the birds to eat. And he'll only continue eating if they fly away.

Another instance. I can still hardly believe this one.
My dog is afraid of.. (wait for it).. worms. Yeah, you heard me. worms.
He was plodding along and he saw the worm on the ground. He went up close and when the worm moved away, he flinched (like the worm physically hit him with a sledgehammer) and his tail went straight between his legs while he made his escape.
Idiot.

Also, we had received a complaint from one of our neighbours who apparently has like, 9 dogs in her backyard. According to her claim, my dog runs over and fights with her like, 9 dogs.
I'm sorry if I'm indignant or maybe biased, but that's like the most unfair fight ever.
In the first place, she has freaking NINE dogs, and a metal gate (i.e.: barrier) between her nine dogs and my wuss friend Bernese.
I also cannot believe that my dog would voluntarily get into a fight because he has virtually no masculinity or any sign of aggression in him. He's a wimp , fer chrissakes. (For my Singaporean friends/ readers: we call him "hum ji" in my family. It means 'coward'. so apt.)

Also, in terms of agression, his bravado only emerges when he sees people walking past my house, or other dogs walking past my house. And then he tries to act the hero, hustling manfully (or dogfully) to the front gate, letting loose a volley of barks intended to place terror in the passerby's soul.
2 scenarios may happen, depending on the passerby's reaction:
1.) Another loser dog. He'll then bark even louder just to show off that he's got what it takes to be a guard dog. This doesn't happen very often.
2.) Aggressive dog. If the passerby-dog barks back, or bares his/her teeth, the fight is gone and Bernese will cower and slink back to the depths of the backyard, the only territory that he can stake out but which he shares with the birds in reality.
3.) The passerby is human and looks and stares at my dog. Regardless of whether the passerby looks on in fear or in friendliness or in curiosity, his immediate reaction is to launch himself at the gate, wagging his tail nonstop, in desperate search of love, affection or food. Obviously the food is his main priority.

Therefore, my family and I have come to the conclusion that our dog is pretty much useless as a guard dog.

But he's great to laugh at.